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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.

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It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!

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where u getting these from david?

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I love this so much

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Who Is Better On The Computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

Spoiler

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

 

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Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

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Corporate Lesson 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Spoiler

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

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I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

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